Idle Coversation, A Stage and a Brick Wall
Idle coversation; I stand corrected, idle conversation that I don't and have no real hope of comprehending - its amazing how such things can inspire thought, albeit sad thoughts. The other evening, my friend, probably the next 'Chitrasena', or even greater, was quoting the veteran dancer Vajira on what dancing meant to her. Vajira talks of dancing as if though its a state of mind, something that you so fully immerse yourself in that, the rest of the world is dead to you and you are master and sole occupant of this world - the dance 'stage'. She speaks of finishing a dance item and coming out of a trance to the sound of applause of the audience and that moment... that moment fills her with joy.
Is it the appreciation of others for your achievemnts, the applause, that makes us happy? If so, my plight, as is the the plight of many more like me who have it in them to percieve the world in new and beautiful ways is so sad. For most of us 'dance' alone, engrossed in or own world of thought to an audience that is deaf, dumb, and blind, if indeed there is anyone to fill the hall. What applause is there for us to wake upto?
The argument seems, well naive, even to me - a cry for pity. Shouldn't I be happy with what I do? Why would appreciation matter? I don't know the answer to this, all I can vouch for is the way I feel. Somehow, the dream is not enough, it would be so nice to be able to share the dream with someone.... anyone.
The thing is, that a large part of life 'seems' to be about sharing - food,home,time and thought. I look at 3 people close to me - they spend at least an equal amount of time talking about dancing - jesting, analysing, criticizing, praising and eulogising, as they spend for dancing itself. The 3 of them have quite differnt viewpoints but they speak the same language - the level of empathy amoungst those 3 is mind boggling. So much empathy that I am reduced to a mere bystander trying to understand somthing i know is fascinating but so completely beyond my comprehension. I 'know' that they share something that I cannot be a part of just as I know that What is in my mind I cannot share with them.
The real crux of the matter is that I seem to have no one to share with - no one - not my friends, not my collegues, not even the few geeky kids who are unfortunate to be in my lectures, absolutely no one seems to be able to partake of what i have to offer. Ofcourse they say that my ideas are fantastic, insteresting, something to work on, but beyond that they do not really see what i have in my mind. I cannot make them see and they do not, me thinks, 'really' want to see anyway.
Am i destined to be an island in my thoughts? Is that really a bad thing if the island itself is funky? Do I have to teach myself to be content? To be alone - to be myself, not to compromise what I am for the sake of acceptence by others. Is that what I should be?
And thats the other thing! Why have i spent so much of my life compromising, sacrificing what I believe in for the sake of acceptence, for the sake of not offending others for the sake of fitting in? Why? Is acceptence by the society at large or a small select society so crucial for my happiness? Why do i feel the need to spend time with some people when most people just plain make me angry?
This brings us back to the point - Sharing and appreciation is that the basis for content. If so who will I share with & who will show appreciation for my thoughts?
If 'doing my thing' is not enough, where in the multiverse do i go from here?
urped by gumz @ 1:43 PM
