My frontline memories, those that stand out from the mire, are knowledge based - maybe they can't really be called memories, but those are the things that are clear, almost brilliant. I remember the definition of limits in all the multicolored splendor of a diagram I drew almost 10 years ago; the picture hasn't even faded. I can even recall vaguely, that I labored alone over my very first analysis problems in the 'open canteen' and ,how i drew this picture. Knowing how I am about these trivial issues, I must have felt excited, elated even; but i simply cannot, recall that. I must have been over the moon when i got that hall effect transistor to do what i wanted the little bugger to do in my final year physics project; but i cannot recall that.
I remember my wedding; I can trace through the whole day. My wife-to-be oversleeping.The rushed photo session. The registration affair where I blundered and spoke my wife's lines. I can play it back like a silent movie with subtitles minus a few details like exact color of clothing and things like that. But, I can't recall how i felt. I know i must have been nervous, happy, maybe scared even, but thats just a blank. The memory is also a bit translucent-ish, as though it was shot with poor quality film, not as vivid as my knowledge based memories.
A knowledge based memory is good, indeed i can't imagine life without it; wouldn't trade it for the world. But something is missing. Why has the emotion track been erased? Is it because i don't act out my feelings most of the time? Many are the times that I've felt like hugging someone, but held back. No memories of that huggy feeling. But maybe if I had...
But that's not my nature. I guess that's why i'm attracted to people who are rich in emotion; because I'm a bit of an emotional retard. Not that I'm incapable of strong emotion, but maybe the expression of it. So it seems that I'm doomed to hover around the emotion rich types, vampire like almost, drawing from them that which i have, but cannot enjoy.
urped by gumz @ 3:53 AM
