It'll soon be 4 years since i joined the pit. I've reached the end of the line here. Maybe it's because I've now done everything possible that i ever wanted to do at the pit, and then some. Maybe it's because all the personal projects that i wanted to complete, for which this particular mode of employment was to provide time, haven't worked out. Maybe it's because I'm put into situations where I have to collaborate with people - I work alone, I always have. Maybe it's because the kids who started of as freshers as i joined have all but graduated (I can't believe i said that). Maybe it's due to sunspot activity.
Why is it that when it's time to move on, opportunity decides to take a vacation? Why is it that some people never meet a Zaphod?
It's times like this that you desperately need a lesson to hang onto; An illusion to save yourself with. And mine is this - At least it's crystal clear what i don't want to do for the rest of my life.
News flash: At approximatly 7:21(GMT) gmail servers "encountered a temporary error and could not complete (my) request". I am mailless! Should have set up that forward to yahoo. Just as i should have gotton my chicken pox shots. I will never learn, once a procrastinator...
While i wait( I'm to try again in 30 seconds), it occurs to me that my life needs a wee bit of adventure. Well we did,
a) Drive through LTTE controlled areas due to shear ignorance - yes it is possible for that to happen. It is me after all; my ignorance of certain matters knows no bounds. Anyway I'm bad with roads. And the police fellas didn't tell us anything. Not technically my fault, that.
b) Misjudge the roughness of the sea and get stuck on a motarboat with a disfunctional engine
But these were mere accidents. I demand a real adventure! I did slighltly better in my younger years. I really
need an adventure.
PPS: I have my mail, back.
My memories are bland; blander than an english breakfast with no condiments. Whatever I play back seems to be strangely devoid of
any emotion. I can recall the fact that I was happy or sad, but i cannot seem to recall the emotion - to relive it. This is probably as it should be; there should be
something different about the event itself and the memory of an event, afterall. But there's a gnawing feeling that I've been robbed.
My frontline memories, those that stand out from the mire, are knowledge based - maybe they can't really be called memories, but those are the things that are clear, almost brilliant. I remember the definition of limits in all the multicolored splendor of a diagram I drew almost 10 years ago; the picture hasn't even faded. I can even recall vaguely,
that I labored alone over my very first analysis problems in the 'open canteen' and ,
how i drew this picture. Knowing how I am about these trivial issues, I
must have felt excited, elated even; but i simply
cannot, recall that. I
must have been over the moon when i got that hall effect transistor to do what i wanted the little bugger to do in my final year physics project; but i
cannot recall that.
I remember my wedding; I can trace through the whole day. My wife-to-be oversleeping.The rushed photo session. The registration affair where I blundered and spoke my wife's lines. I can play it back like a silent movie with subtitles minus a few details like exact color of clothing and things like that. But, I can't recall how i
felt. I know i must have been nervous, happy, maybe scared even, but thats just a blank. The memory is also a bit translucent-ish, as though it was shot with poor quality film, not as vivid as my knowledge based memories.
A knowledge based memory is good, indeed i can't imagine life without it; wouldn't trade it for the world. But something is missing. Why has the emotion track been erased? Is it because i don't act out my feelings most of the time? Many are the times that I've felt like hugging someone, but held back. No memories of that huggy feeling. But maybe if I had...
But that's not my nature. I guess that's why i'm attracted to people who are rich in emotion; because I'm a bit of an emotional retard. Not that I'm incapable of strong emotion, but maybe the expression of it. So it seems that I'm doomed to hover around the emotion rich types, vampire like almost, drawing from them that which i have, but cannot enjoy.
